Delving Into a New World: A Sell Out or Success Story?
By Enrique Solis
In
high school, I failed eight classes, took summer school every year, and
barely graduated with a 2.1 GPA. And those are just my academic
shortcomings. Don’t forget the curfew tickets, truancy tickets, arrests,
gang activity, and the two occasions I succeeded in evading police
helicopters. The miscreant, the delinquent, statistic, society’s worst
nightmare—Me. Strangely, it took hindsight to see this person. At the
time I thought of myself as the experiencer—one enthralled and beckoned
by nature, the universe, music, humanity, and danger. I was the boy who
shot out street lights to see the stars. I knocked on friends’ windows
at 3 a.m. to wander, talk, and trespass into deserted buildings and on
school roofs before watching the sunrise. I climbed into my window at 6
a.m. to start my school day at 7:30 a.m.
What could high school
offer this experiencer? Ideally a lot. But almost everything about my
particular high school was cumbersome and lifeless. Good grades were the
end all, be all. I saw no value in this system—I had already learned
that getting an “A” had less to do with actually learning than passively
completing busywork. My priorities consisted of testing my
limitations—mentally and physically—and engaging with the world on
multiple levels. It seemed that almost every class I attended strove to
anchor me down to a rigid world where success was going through the
motions and learning to do what you’re told. I was bored. And quite
frankly, I was frightened at the idea of becoming anything like the
vapid, stiff teachers who kicked me out of class for sagging my pants,
disagreeing with them, or questioning their authority in any other way.
My school supplanted learning with character-shaping.
Until
one day I entered a real classroom (real in the sense that learning took
place daily). It was AP English: Rhetoric and Composition, and I failed
it. This class blew my mind. I was thrust into the academic world: We
grappled with the theoretical, historical, and philosophical; instead of
vocabulary words, we had rhetorical terms; and we wrote essays
constantly. The level of engagement with the texts and with my
classmates was on another level. I participated daily and marveled at
the knowledge of my teacher and the authors we read. Yet at the same
time I was altogether unprepared to pass a class like this—I lacked the
structure, discipline, and overall care for school, especially grades to
really do what was necessary. I wish this could have been my turning
point, but it’s not easy to suddenly stop being the person you’ve always
been.
Eventually, I got through high school, just barely, but
completed nonetheless. Needless to say, I was apprehensive about
entering the “real world,” which my mom defined as a full-time job or
full time school—“not half this, part that. Commit to something”.
Eventually, I would commit fully as a college student. The semester
after high school I earned straight A’s. I felt like it was a mistake.
Even my family was in shock. Academic counselors at my high school never
even talked to me about college—I needed to focus on making up fails—so
five A’s when I got there was way beyond everyone’s expectations,
including my own. But I was there and doing well, which was when I
decided to pursue a new major. I wanted to become a high school teacher
and bring life, purpose, and learning into the classrooms that lacked so
much of it. So everything was on track as I entered my first 200-level
course in my new major, English.
The class was Major American
writers from the late nineteenth century onward. At my community college
the vast majority of students were minorities—Black and Hispanic—but as
I entered this class there was a sudden demographic transformation.
Even the professor noticed: “There are no black students in here, are
there?” I raised my hand and answered “No”, and there were about twelve
movie posters all over the walls so I pointed out, “and there is only 1
on the walls.” I pointed to a half-illuminated half-silhouetted image of
Denzel Washington from Remember the Titans. Everyone looked around to
check my findings and seemed to think it an odd observation. But after
being there only five minutes, it was blatantly obvious to me—I had
entered a different world, a secret community amongst my own consisting
of readers, writers, and thinkers few of which were Black or Latino. The
students began small talk about a show called Dexter, other English
classes, and previous courses with this same instructor. My apprehension
grew. These were not high school failures, nor were they any of those
students who drop as soon as they get their financial aid. These
students were readers. While I was breaking into buildings, they were
reading The Great Gatsby; while I slept atop school roofs, they were
delving into 1984. Based partly on the literary references they made,
and partly on the way they spoke in general, I quickly saw the literacy
gap between them and me. I began regretting all those classes I
ditched, books I never read, and papers I never wrote. I had read only 3
novels total before college. This was going to be my trial: could I
really excel or even just survive in a field I had utterly failed in
previously?
The process began. The first book assigned was
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I had heard of this book but had no idea
what it entailed, when it was written, where it was written, who had
written it, or really anything about it other than it was American. The
instructor asked difficult questions and coaxed intelligent answers from
many of the students. When it came time to write our papers, we had to
choose two opposing scholars on the subject we would discuss. I chose
two scholars with differing perspectives on race and whether or not Huck
Finn should be banned in certain schools. One scholar, Justin Kaplan,
praised the book for its groundbreaking depiction of a black slave, Jim,
as a character round with humanity. He emphasizes Huck Finn’s relevance
for young students today. Julius Lester takes a cutting and opposite
approach. He states that the depiction of Jim is still fraught with
stereotypical elements that can be damaging to young black readers who
must try to identify with a slave. The instructor had no problem writing
Lester off as a loon that didn’t understand the book. For most of my
schooling, minorities had ironically been the majority so racial
discussions were usually very sensitive, possibly even suppressed. It
was odd hearing my instructor say that “anyone who wants to ban Huck
Finn is clearly illiterate and incompetent.” I saw his position as
radical and dismissive of social contexts other than our own so I
decided to take it up in my paper. I followed all of this scholarly work
and felt confident in my understanding of the material. I chose to use
Lester’s argument to show how the depiction of Jim could cause racial
identity issues with modern black readers, especially because the story
is told through the eyes of a young narrator (Huck) who struggles with
the racism of his culture—I argued that Huck Finn was valued and more
relevant to white audiences who struggle with racism at the expense of
discomfort or uneasiness felt by black readers. I knew I had picked a
controversial position, so I tried to back up my arguments as best I
could. I found the task harder than I had imagined and I did not create
the essay I originally envisioned. Nonetheless, I turned it in and
waited anxiously for his response.
On that essay, I received a
zero. Devastated, shocked, and totally embarrassed, I immediately
stuffed it into my backpack—hiding my results as everyone critiqued each
other’s. I tried hard on that essay, thought I covered the material
thoroughly, and even had fun with it. I was ready to quit. The
instructor didn’t agree with my position at all and demanded I rewrite
it completely. For some reason, it hit me hard: my heart shot adrenaline
though my system every few seconds, I stared at a fixed point of my
desk, then the wall as tears almost surged forth in front of Denzel’s
poster. I honestly did not expect his reaction to be so violent. My
paper addressed the discomfort felt by some young Black students when
the word “nigger” is read out loud in class, especially by white
students. He wrote on my paper, “It is of course, ok for blacks to call
each other ‘nigga’ though. It’s called being hypocritical.” Somewhere
along the academic process, the argument got brought down to this. I was
shocked by his hatred of my paper. It was not truly a zero paper so he
must have hated it so much he couldn’t even grade it. I had obviously
not been privy to certain rules of that literacy community. In his
class, certain arguments are just plain off-limits. I climbed up the
academic ladder, skipped a step, slipped, and came tumbling down.
So
I rewrote the essay with turbulent emotions: a blend of embarrassment,
anger, and determination. I took the opposite stance of my previous
essay as proof that I understood the other argument but didn’t agree
with it. That rewrite process called upon every faculty I had as a
writer (and is quite possibly when I became a writer). I brainstormed
for like three days in order to gather the absolute strongest points,
labored to find the perfect words, and then edited with a fury. It was
exciting and almost easy because I thought of it as just refuting every
claim in my previous essay. By presenting his strong perspective on the
matter, my instructor, in a way, showed his hand. I knew exactly what
the right answer was so to speak. It was then I realized that literature
classes are not strictly about making a sound argument, they are about
gathering all the information possible from the texts, then reading the
instructor to figure out what they want gathered from it. When I turned
that rewritten paper in, it was with smug confidence because I knew it
was the best paper I could produce, yet I couldn’t suppress the deep
fear that my best was simply not enough and I just did not belong in
that classroom.
The day the rewrite papers were returned was
about as believable as the ending of an episode of Full House. Everyone
got their papers but me. Instead the instructor had the nerve to read it
to the class in its entirety! He said it was “A well-written,
intelligent, even inspiring essay defending Twain and Huck,” then he
walked over and put it in my hands. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I
had sold my soul to the devil. Never before had I been more ambivalent:
I was incredibly proud of myself for actually pulling it off, yet
deeply perturbed by the fact that I was basically being praised for
fully embracing ideas that I didn’t even necessarily agree with.
Some would call me a sellout, and the few people I told did call me a
sellout. I saw it as proving I wasn’t “illiterate” or “incompetent” just
because I chose a difficult position to defend. I had been a social
rebel, deviant, and dissenter all my life—I didn’t have to prove that to
anyone. If anything, rewriting that paper
helped me prove to
myself that I could get over my rebellious tendencies and pride in order
to successfully enter this new world. I think most people would say
that reading and writing about literature is an enriching experience;
however, in order to enter this particular literary community, I had to
first give up a huge part of myself. Now, as I grow and come to fruition
as a writer, I feel encouraged to find a way to rediscover and utilize
those passionate parts of myself that I previously worked so hard to
suppress.
- Published in
- Irene L. Clark and Emmanuel Sabaiz-Birdsill. College Arguments: Understanding the Genres, 2nd edition. Kendall Hunt, 2015.
- Enrique Solis holds an MA in Rhetoric/Composition from CSUN
- Winner of the Oliver Evans Prize
- Enrique Solis is an English Language Development Teacher / Reading Volume Coach at Alliance Valera Middle School in California